...i just want to let out what i feel but i do not know how and to whom should i tell. this feeling mounting up inside me and kill me slowly from the inside. kadang-kadang rase macam dada nak pecah pun ade. ah bodoh la rase macam ni. aku tak penah suke kene marah tapi kenape and kenape aku biarkan diri aku kene marah. anyone?

..reminder..

..darn, the feeling again. rase cemburu kat orang laen yang boleh meluahkan kasih sayang itu. urgh! i want it too. demand kan saya ni? haih! dah bape kali dah remind diri untuk bersyukur tapi demon dalam hati asyik pujuk rayu cakap diorang tu lagi bagus dari apa yang aku ada. pastu mula la aku fikir bukan-bukan walaupun sebenarnya deep down in my heart i know bukan macam tu. tak semua orang dapat benda yang sama and setiap orang tu unik dan ada cara tersendiri nak tunjuk perasaan itu. mungkin lebih agresif dan ganas tapi dah tu cara dia. cara orang lain mungkin lembut dah lebih terbuka. tolong la faham. and demon, please pergi jauh-jauh dari aku sebab kau tak diperlukan di sini. kau cuma menyusahkan setiap kehidupan seorang manusia je. walaupun janji-janji kau tu macam mengujakan dan menyeronokkan tapi kau tu sebenarnya cuma nak cari kawan-kawan yang sama-sama kena bakar nanti kan? go to hell la. wait, kau memang akan pergi ke situ. tapi please la, aku tanak ikut kau. aku nak rasa makan anggur yang kat bawahnya ada mengalir sungai-sungai yang airnya sekali minum dah boleh menghilangkan dahaga selamanya. when i say forever, its really mean forever as in forever. tapi orang-orang itu tetap minum sebab nak menikmati kenikmatannya yang kau tak boleh dapat kat mana-mana selain kat tempat yang hakiki itu. mampu ke aku sampai ke sana? jauh panggang dari api kan. tapi itu sepatutnya ultimate destination setiap yang bergelar manusia. jadi tak salah kalau aku ada angan-angan itu. tapi cuma perlu tambahkan banyak lagi point-point untuk aku beli tiket ke sana. tapi bukan senang. serius aku cakap. sebab aku dah banyak kali jatuh. tapi ada kakak tu cakap senang. tapi kene jadi orang grade A dulu untuk bawak tanggungjawab yang grade A ni. semua pun akan jadi senang. tapi kalau kau orang grade D memang sangat susah la kau nak bawak tanggungjawab grade A ni. so aku pun fikir, aku ni orang grade berape? grade D tu pun belum tentu aku tapi dah berangan nak tinggal kat negeri abadi tu. haih!

so please la zue, rase cemburu itu tak perlu sebab kau tahu DIA tahu ape yang kau perlu lebih dari ape yang kau nak. walaupun kau rase ape yang kau nak tu jauh lebih bagus dari ape yang kau perlu. pastu, please la fokus study. kau cakap kau nak lulus dengan cemerlang tapi ade kau act cam kau nak lulus dengan cemerlang, kadang-kadang kan aku marah dengan kau ni zue. cakap tak serupa bikin. tolong la fikir. again, dont make u regret your own action sebab takde ape yang kau boleh buat untuk ulang masa.

p/s: im loving FOUR more than i love five. eheh. :D

..oh puh-lease..

zue, please la. u only have two days yet u havent start studying when u have tonnes of things to study and remember. please be kind to yourself as u know u can do better. dont make u regret this. haish! puh-lease la.

p/s: i love FIVE. five sounds good to me. hehe.

..cant wait..

..i can feel everyday after next week will be great. i cant wait. mahu jalan-jalan sambil menggangu sunshine memandu. saje nak balas dendam. hehe :D mahu tengok die sengih-sengih and buat joke yang buat saye ketawa, senyum and kadang-kadang geram. tapi kalau die ade kat depan saye, saye x boleh marah die lame-lame. he always know how to make me smile even at my worst. haih! one of the many reasons why i love him. mahu bergelak-ketawa seperti kanak-kanak bersama sepupu-sepupu yang sememangnya gila. and ouh, my dearest auntie, *she's only one year older than me and we kinda grow up together and bergaduh and sepak terajang and tido and mandi and do little stupid things together* die dah nak kawen. this 9th dec. im gonna miss those funny, interesting, sad and silly moment i spend with her. i wonder if we can still sleep together and do little things together after she's married. im gonna have to share her with her future husband now and im a bit sad. just a bit la but im very happy too for her because she found the one who can love and take care of her. ok, hopefully lepas ni aku still boleh tido dengan kau lagi and sepak terajang kau and buat bende-bende gila dengan kau. hehe. semoga kamu bahagia sampai bila-bila. and of course, i will always love u despites of anything. eh, jap saye juga tau my days will be miserable because of my annoying little lollies itu. haih! tapi like i said, most of the time i adore their cuteness. hehe. and mak saye. i know i will have great time with mak too. hehe. kadang-kadang saye rindu die marah-marah and membebel kat saye. :) pastu abang-abang saye. i thought we will not having brother-sister fight after my second brother get married, but knowing him, i still have fight with him whenever he's home, nak tengok channel tv mane, maen baling2 bantal before tido and he still love to tease me. haih! my annoying brother. but, that one of the many reasons why i love him so much. hehe. my first brother always being a protective one. maybe because he's the eldest kot. i love u big bro! ouh dan sepupu-sepupu saye yang comel-comel itu, saye rindu, kadang-kadang saye marah jugak dengan perangai diorang, but well, that is what makes my life interesting. rindu juga mahu spend mase dengan auntie-auntie saye yang laen. bergossip dengan mereka pun best jugak. haha.

little lollies 2

annoying brother

the protective and annoying one! *materialistik betul*

crazy cousins and auntie

family kesayangan

mak and lillte lollies 1

crazy auntie with her husband-to-be

annoying kan? sunshine*the one and only*

little cousins!

takpe-takpe, another 8 days and i can feel my days ahead will be great. :D :D :D

..where art thou..

im doing my usual routine, blog hoping from one blog to another. i love to read about how the blogger express what they feel into words. i adore the writing that can makes me feel about how they really feel just by reading their words. i adore how they can use and arrange the words beautifully and sometimes i just adore the writing that i cant understand the meaning. its like mystery, only the writer and few can understand. hehe. but, i dont have such gift. i dunno how to express my feeling through words. in fact i dunno how to express them. only few people close to me know how i really feel sometimes. the truth is i just dunno how to express or tell anyone about my feeling. heh. i guess that is me.

ok but that is not the point of my entry today, after reading one of my friend entry, i feel i need to find my passion towards what im doing doing now. i mean pharmacy, drugs, patient, disease, etc. i used to have a passion about drugs and chemistry. but now, i dunno where its go; my passion. my friend feel really sad about her last lecture because after this, she will really miss to hear a lecture about animal. i quote, "for some people it might be 50 minutes intelligence crap talking, but for me its like a story telling about animal that i craving for more". there, from her writing i can feel her strong passion towarsd what she's studying or doing now. she dont mind spending whole her time in the lab with her glowworm (her lab project i guess) and dont mind wake up as early as 4 am just to go to the field trip. for three years that is how her life is, but yet she is still craving for more. that the passion i need. last nite, my dear someone said, if he is giving a chance to do something that he's passion about, he will study and do it properly despites of only worrying about failing the course. the passion is more important. yet, i still complaining about the course, the lecturer, the assignment, the course, etc eventough i've been given the chance to do something that im passion about. i think i need to be more grateful about what i have and i need to find the passion that i used to have. i need to find and start doing it by heart and not just for the sake of the exam.

where art thou passion? please come back to me and im really sorry for ignoring you all this while.

..exam..

as for now, everyone is busy studying for the final exam. same goes to me. haih! time-time macam ni pressure banyak dan kadang-kadang boleh menimbulkan perlakuan yang pelik-pelik. so people, please bare with me. sekejap je. at least for this two weeks, after that, i promise i will be back to normal. hehe.

so here the significant dates in november

14th nov: pharmacology 301
17th nov: applied pharmacotherapeutics 301
21st nov: molecular & chemical basis therapeutics 301
22nd nov: melbourne and shopping
23rd nov: malaysia, here i come. again. hehe :D

woot! woot! i cant wait to go back to malaysia *again*, spending time with my lovely family and my annoying sunshine and also my lollies and my crazy cousins too! :D :D :D

but for now, please, please zue for this two weeks concentrate on your studies. please. two weeks je. lepas tu kite ronggeng. ok?

GOOD LUCK FRIENDS!

hugs and love

..confuse..

kalau betul kitorang yang salah, takkan sampai semua orang pun salah? confuse kan? tapi hati aku kata kalau sekali je kau jadi camtu takpe la. tapi kalau kau dah buat berkali2 camne plak? itu munkin bisikan syaitan jugak tu. hati kitorang pun sakit jugak. ukhwah fillah tu bukan jadi sebelah pihak je. semua orang pun patut terlibat kan? heh. hati aku kata lagi "ah! suka hati la nak jadi apa?" tapi hakikatnya aku tetap berfikir dan kadang-kadang mengganggu fikiran aku. hakikatnya i do love u even sometimes i dont want to. confuse lagi. mungkin salah aku. kene banyak lagi reflect diri sendiri ni.
ya Allah ampun kan dosa hambaMu ini dan tunjukkan aku jalan ya Allah. semoga semua kembali seperti biasa.

at time like this, i need my family, i feel belong just being with them. we did fight sometimes but deep down inside i know they will always be there for me. loving me unconditionally. or maybe its just me having some sort of problem being too close with someone other than family. i feel pity for someone who didnt have this family bonding. i really do. i am grateful for each and everyone i love in my life. without them, i dont think i can face this world. and of course i need Allah the most. without Him i wont be existed in this world and i wont have the lovely people i have in my life now. i do want to erase some people in my life though, but maybe that is the best for me to learn something in this life. Allah know the best what i need.

p/s: crap entry and crap feeling. maybe because the exam is just around the corner and im started to feel the pressure. hehe.